Hope, Faith and Xanax

Well, none of you have e-mailed me and bitched me to update this thing, so I assume no one is reading. So why I am updating – I don’t have a clue, except that there’s tons on my mind and I need to dump it somewhere before I get locked up in a rubber room.

I’ve been going through kind of a FUBAR period in my life – mentally, physically and emotionally.

Mentally – my job s driving me nuts. I LOVE what I do. I wish I could do this job for the next 20 years, retire and die. That would make me SOOO flippin’ elated. You have NO idea. So what’s driving me crazy is that there’s NO RESPECT for any of us from Administration. They seek to humiliate us, talk down to us in condescending tones and use us every single day. I was singled out at the last staff meeting for my over time. I was told there would be NO more over time without a good reason, and alas, my “reasons are never good enough.” Therefore, I work behind schedule every day of the week. There have even been nights I’ve clocked out and worked on MY TIME to keep the peace. There’s NO raises and NO chance for advancement in any direction. Raises are given annually and if you get a 2% raise and you’re making under $12/hour – that’s not even pocket change – it’s more like what you could pick up off the sidewalk in one day. It’s such a good thing that I’ve got FABULOUS co-workers and friends. We all know that the real reason we are all there is to work for the PATIENTS, not the Administration. All the Administration cares about is money, figures, numbers and money. It sucks. I think that the 3 doctors that have a controlling interest in the clinic would love to FIRE the Chief Administrator if it were an option. But, apparently they need his financial backing and banking experience to keep things afloat. I just don’t get it? These people know NOTHING about running a tight ship. They would have better workers if they appreciated us more.

So, to make good on my word, I applied for another job on Friday Nov 14. It’s working at another doctor’s office doing pretty much the same thing. There’s got to be something better out there. A place where my hard work can be appreciated and rewarded instead of criticized and hen-pecked.

Let’s see…back to mentally. Mentally, I’m drained. I am so worried about my kids and how their little lives are coming along. I finally got a tutor for Bayleigh who will start working 3 nights a week with her. She was bringing home B’s and C’s at the beginning of the school year and now she’s bringing home more like D’s and F’s. She’s already been held back once. What am I doing wrong? Ralph and I both spend countless hours with her on homework and exercises. We’re just hoping that if it comes from someone else that it will “stick” more or something. Kaylin is the exact opposite. She’s doing better this year in class over all (less talking, more cooperation – but she IS stealing!!) and zooming through homework, books and projects. I don’t compare them, though. They are different people and have different levels of learning. But Kaylin’s attention deficit is astounding. I don’t have insurance on her, so I can’t take her to the Dr like I should. It would put my mind 100% at ease for a DOCTOR to tell me that she’s a normal child and I have NOTHING to worry about. I try to give them leeway—knowing that “kids will be kids” but she often over steps that boundary and it’s slowly driving me insane. I guess I should just be thankful that they have golden hearts, manners, are loving and aren’t destructive and troubled like some children can be. Most of those kids have no guidance, though, and my kids have guidance coming out of their ears!!!! I pray for a solution to this and an answer or some kind of help won’t come too soon!

Emotionally – I am going through a rough patch of my own. I really don’t want to go into it here, but all I can say is that I if I don’t seem myself, I hope you’ll understand. This economy we’re in right now isn’t helping matters much. I am struggling to figure out how I’m going to pull Christmas out of my ass this year. * heavy sigh *


The physical things I am going through are rocking my world. My condition is getting worse and I can’t seem to convince any of my doctors that I have a REAL problem. I had spinal MRI’s done and there’s much damage that’s been done over the years. Apparently with my genetic make up, I lived and played too hard when I was younger, never dreaming that I would be in this condition in my mid-30’s. In my opinion, my doctors have looked at the results of my tests and concluded that because of what’s on paper and film, I shouldn’t be in as much pain as I claim I am in. As many fits as I’ve thrown in their offices, pleading for help, laying out the details about how my life has changed and how my conditions are slowly taking over my body and my life, they just don’t get it. I am doing all the things I am supposed to be doing, too – weight loss, eating right, exercising – all the things they promised would make me better and those things aren’t making a bit of difference. I stay frustrated all the time and I don’t like how that and being in debilitating pain makes me feel. Then, it pisses me off even more when some drug-seeking piece of trash off the streets wanders into our clinic, the Dr sees him/her for the 1st time and then said piece of trash walks out with a prescription for Oxycontin or Morphine and I can’t even get the help that I NEED. I just don’t understand why this happens? Just because I didn’t have my pelvis crushed in a car accident, I am expected to live on 800 mg Motrin and a few Vicodin every month??? What is wrong with this picture? I have decided to ask Dr N for something a little stronger for this month when I see him this week. If he turns me down, I think that I will be finished with him. He’s supposed to be my pain management doctor and he’s just not doing a very good job. I miss out on so much in my day-to-day life because I just can’t manage or handle the pain that I’m in. I just don’t think it’s fair and it’s slowly driving me crazy (going back to the MENTAL part of things – funny how it’s all tied together!)

I know that everyone has his or her own trials and troubles they go through. And that what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger. And that God won’t give me any more than I can handle.

I just wish that he didn’t trust me so much.