We're Not That Different....

Excuse me if this seems like it's aimed towards ONE particular person, but it is..and DM that person's you....

I sincerely am having a hard time dealing with what we talked about today. I never thought someone else's conflict could touch me so deeply. I want to say I am not sure why, but the scary fact is that I KNOW why. Last night I talked to my best friend, NFW, and she told me some of the same things you've told me in the past and for ONCE it's really getting through my thick skull and making sense.

I have to say, also, as much as I hurt for you...I admire you too. You said you didn't think you'd have the balls....I knew you did. It's ME who I am afraid has no spine in this situation. I talk a good game and I say I am gonna do all this stuff, but the truth is, I wouldn't even know where to begin!? I wouldn't know where to begin and I am SCARED to even TRY. I said to you that my fear lies in not knowing....the uncertainty of what's going to happen....how my children will handle it....the fear of being alone. I think that's the biggest fear of all. That and maybe the fact that I don't think I will be as luck as you were with S. He wouldn't handle it well. He wouldn't want to stay friends with me. I can hear it now, all the blame for ripping our family apart. How I didn't care about anyone's feelings but my own. You know that's not true. If anyone cares about the IMPORTANT people in my life, it's definitely me.

Your situation has enabled me to step back and take a look @ my own life and marriage. Talk about taking off the rose colored glasses...but the really sad thing is, that I love him. I love him more than I ever thought I could. I just don't know why we can't get along and communicate and have the intimacy we once had. That's where all of the problems lie. If I just wanted a "friend" to hang out with and to help me take care of the kids...I would be in a PERFECT situation. But I NEED more than that. And please don't tell me to "tell HIM that," bc I have and apparently he only thinks he has to "try" when he knows he's about to lose me..and every time I think to myself, "This time WILL be different." Surprise, surprise. It's not surprising that I think that THIS TIME also. I keep hoping. I keep wishing. And I don't want to give up yet.

I am not sure what it's going to take to really make me quit. Well, I *DO* know...and he knows, too, but I don't think he'd be so stupid again. He stands to lose SO MUCH this time. I mentioned that to him about "C" yesterday. Of course he reassured me nothing was happening and that I was just being paranoid, but why out of all of the women's he's been working with for the last 8 months do I all of a sudden have a feeling about THIS ONE!? And it's the same feeling I had before...that's what scares me. Kind of like, "Even though I know, I don't wanna know...".

I don't know what else to say? This has been a day FULL of "I don't know what to say." Just know this: you are special to me. I wish I could put my finger on why, but I can't. Maybe it has something to do with July 7th? Maybe it doesn't? But I do know that my feelings don't confuse me. I care deeply about you and I hope that matters to you. And the thing I said about "friend for life rather than something less significant" still stands, and WILL stand. I don't give this loyalty to many people...you've earned it, for what it's worth, and a true friendship means more to me than all of the material things in the world ever could.

True happiness within yourself is what I wish for you. And I really do hope that you will stay close to me....talk to me, email me, whatever. Don't let this life change push us apart. Don't forget about me, cuz there's no way I am gonna forget about you.

When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to hold you