"A Fat, Pretty Chick Is STILL A Fat Chick...."

And a wonderful Sunday to YOU! I am currently enjoying a break from some very productive housecleaning. I am SO happy to be getting this DONE! Woo hoo! Go Jodi!

But, alas, there’s something that’s been knocking at my brain for quite a while today…in fact, I think it’s been on my mind since, like, oh…I don’t know….—1985!? That’s about the time I realized that I was not like other women. I am much taller. I am much “bigger” in stature. I’ve had to shop in the “Women’s” (read: PLUS SIZED) department since I was in 8th grade. In 5th grade I wore a women’s size 10 shoe. My family hoped I would “grow into it” as I got older. I never did.

The picture I’ve inserted with this post depicts how I see myself every single day of my life. The sad thing is, photos and the mirror CONFIRM this image. :(

Today, I stand 6’ tall and weight somewhere between 200 and 300 pounds. I’ve been called an “Amazon Goddess.” I’ve also been called WORSE than that. Most days I feel like a prize winning sow at the county fair. I’ve dieted off and on most of my adult life. They never usually work very well. I’ll drop 15-20 pounds, and then before I know it, I put it back on. I’ve tried OTC diet pills…Slim Fast….Weight Watchers (just the diet – I can’t afford the meetings)….aerobics (as klutzy as I am)…you name it, and if it’s not TOO off the wall, I’ve tried it. I refuse to “crash” diet because that’s not good for your body and I’ve got enough problems as it is with my internal organs, I don’t need to be going around aggravating them. I’ve been trying to out-run diabetes (which runs RAMPANT in my family like wildfire in Arizona in June) for 10 years now. I stay just ahead of it. And I will be first to admit; this is more of a vanity thing than a health thing. I don’t have sore joints or bad knees from my weight. I have a big sturdy frame that supports me well. The only pain I have is from past accidents, but I am sure that the weight isn’t GOOD for any of my conditions. The general public is SO quick to judge overweight people….read on….

But something happened a couple of weeks ago and it’s really been like a thorn in my side, gravel in my gut. Let me back up…I’ve been going to the tanning salon since January of this year. I love the heat on my back and I do look pretty healthy these days instead of like a wanna-be-goth. I also started a joke between Ralph and I that “a fat tan chick is still a fat chick.” He always tells me I’m NOT, but the scales and the tape measure DON’T lie and I’m not THAT naïve.

So anyhow, I was working breakfast one morning @ the hotel. I was doing my usual filling and re-stocking of everything. There was this table of young men not too far from where I was refilling the hot food items. I think they might have been baseball players? Early 20s -they were all very cute, if I must say so myself. Until one of them opened his mouth.

I didn’t see who said it, but one of them said, “Wonder how much sausage was in that pan when she left the kitchen?” Then they all laughed. Then the other one said, “A fat chick that’s pretty is still a fat chick.” At that point, I turned and glared at ALL of them. Evidently they didn’t realize how far their voices carried, because they all looked down at their plates and there were a few cleared throats. I turned and went to the back, dropped off my empty pans and then proceeded to the rest room, where I think I sat and cried for 10 minutes. People are so cruel sometimes at other’s expenses.

Does that idiot not think that I KNOW what I look like? That because I am so big that I have to make sure that I always look “nice”: hair combed, clothes free of wrinkles & stains, finger and toe nails manicured, as NOT to labeled a "fat slob"? Does he not think that I KNOW people look at me whenever I pick up ANYTHING to eat in public??? Believe me buddy, if a woman is overweight—SHE KNOWS IT. It doesn’t matter if I DO have a pretty face – I know my body is less than attractive. I’ve been told that I carry my weight well. What does THAT mean? Just because I carry it well doesn’t mean that it’s not a bad thing and that there’s no health risk involved. There’s a LOT of things in this life I still have to do. Things I still want to do. Dreams I have. I can’t do a lot of those things if I am heavy and eventually probably hooked up to an oxygen machine. That’s just not how I see it happening.

A few years ago, after I overcame cancer and my life perspectives changed, I swore I would no longer deprive myself of the good thing in life like foods I loved and wanted. Granted, I have never eaten in EXCESS, but I did not deprive myself of one rich, scrumptous morsel of ANYTHING. It was nothing for me to down a pint of Ben & Jerry’s with no regrets or finish off a 10 oz sirloin steak in one sitting. When I was in chemo I lost 68 pounds. Cancer kicks your ass. I look back at the photos of me and I think, “Damn – I was sick-BUT LOOK HOW SKINNY I WAS!” I realize now that I had a warped sense of image (as I have most of my life). Not good. Not good at all.

So…I’ve decided that I am gonna give it another try. I am getting nothing but older and it’s just going to get harder the more I put it off. I don’t usually announce to people when I am dieting and watching what I eat because that’s just usually not a good thing. People have the best of intentions, but they can end up just screwing up your whole system. I am finding things that I like to do that don’t SEEM like exercise. Some of my friends can hit the gym for an hour a day every day but not me. I need variety. And I figured out that my problem is not that I eat too often – it’s my portions. So I am getting that in check. I am not setting goals…I am just going to give it my best shot day to day. I don’t do too well with goals…smaller accomplishments are more my style. And I am not aiming to look like Barbie when it's all said and done...I will settle for "healthy"...kind of like Barbie's distant cousin "Ruby", the size 16 fashion doll. I'd KILL Sara Lee to be a size 16 again! :)

The photos from the week that Ralph’s family was here are my motivation. There is a couple where I look incredibly hideous, out of shape, fat and dumpy. That is NOT me. That is NOT the Diva we all know and love.

Last month I tipped the scales at almost as much as I weighed right after I had Kaylin is 2001. That's the most I've EVER weighed in my whole life. This caused many tears that day, but I gave forth some effort and between June 6th and June 27th, I lost 10 pounds. I am sure that being sick for 4 days had a little something to do with that, but we won’t dwell on that. The numbers on the scale are going DOWN and that’s all that matters.

“A pretty chick that’s fat is still a fat chick”….may be true, but I can lose weight and that baseball player guy will ALWAYS be an asshole, I’m sure. May the fleas of 1000 camels infest his jock strap.