Hey! You! Get Offa My Cloud!

*sigh*

I am having one of THOSE days again. I laid awake in bed last night thinking about everything like I do when I forget to take my ADD ("Duh") pill...mind just racing...wondering...contemplating...wishing...grieving...plotting...fuming...and everything else it could to keep me awake.

And today, it's been tears everywhere. I have been having this conversation with 2 friends of mine that sounds like it could be something out of the script from Desperate Housewives. Love, marrriage, lust, cheating, husbands, promises and everything else that can complicate our lives. I feel so confused about everything, especially after getting other people's perspectives on it.

I just can't help but try to imagine what my life would be like today if I had never taken Ralph back..if we'd never reconciled and tried it all again? I mean I've gone so far as to think, "Would I even be ALIVE right now?" That's how serious things were for me. I wouldn't have had anyone to be my rock through my battle with cancer had he not come back to me. I mean I would have had friends, but no one who would have stood there in the rain with me like he did. Nicki would be the only person I could think of that would have, but since she didn't live here, it would have been difficult for her. And all of the other things I have struggled with for closure as an adult...sometimes I know he didn't understand, but he was there and he listened and he tried to make me feel better. He didn't always try to fix everything. He's not perfect. But there was always an understanding there. I think there still is. He knows my hopes and my fears and I know he cares about those things...even if he's not the most emotional man in the world. There's a lot of times I wish he were more open. He never tried to change the fact that he's a PRODUCT of his environment. I did...I don't understand why more people can't or don't change things like that about themselves. Exlporing more about your own self is NEVER a bad thing. I think that's what people mean when they talk about "GROWING" as a person. Sometimes I think I've grown more than Ralph has in 10 years. I know he has his personal demons. Everyone does. I just wish there was a way for him to triumph over his. :( *sigh* and then there's times that I wonder why I am doing this to myself? It's a choice HE has to make. I can't do it for him. If he chooses not to, then I guess the fates will do whatever it is they do when there's no common ground any longer in a marriage? For us, I don't know what that would be? I always swore I was only doing this marriage gig ONE TIME. But this also goes back to that thing I was talking about where ONE little incident that may seem insignificant can turn your whole world upside down in an instant. I can't stop thinking about it, but I know it's pointless today. *sigh* :(

Well I need to go feed my children...the law says that's a requirement! :p

Later taters.