Am I A Monet?

GORGEOUS from afar...but a COMPLETE MESS when you get right up on it?

You know...I think I've been doing pretty good keeping this thing updated. I got a little chapped because the other night I wrote a long post about my new boss @ Sears, K, but I lost the whole thing and pretty much decided right then that I am going to write everything in Word Pad from now on, then cut & paste. It will save me a lot of frustration at best…there’s no way I can write the same thing twice. No matter how hard I try.

My first draft is usually my best one, as I just let the words flow from my fingertips and that’s usually how I convey my thoughts the most effectively. Strange trait for a Sagittarians…usually every time we open our mouths, people are taken aback in some way by the things that come out. That includes me. I can say something simple and somehow it gets ALL twisted around and ends up meaning the farthest thing from what I MEANT for it to mean. I really HATE it when people do that.

I am one of those people that when I say something, it’s NOT NECESSARY TO READ BETWEEN THE LINES! I usually put it right out there. And of course, people read into it and try to DECIPHER my meaning. If I say “You’re lucky you don’t have small children,” it means “YOU ARE LUCKY THAT AT THIS POINT IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT HIS MINUTE THAT THERE ARE NOT 2 SMALL CHILDREN LEECHING ONTO YOU WANTING SOMETHING” Doesn’t mean I don’t LOVE my Heathen Brood or that I regret having them…just means that FOR THAT MOMENT, I think YOU are lucky to have 5 minutes to yourself…because Moms who work FT outside the home and also PT outside the home and try to keep things organized, cleaned, put away and her marriage all together, the bills paid, the pets fed, the errands run and everyone’s schedules straight DOES NOT have a lot of time to herself and to do things like watch TV (something that does not include some kind of animation or puppet), sleep in, listen to music or update her BLOG everyday. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t LIKE what she does…just means she’d like a little corner of time to call her own sometimes. Or if you’re ME…a little corner to sit in and bang your head against the wall.

I love my kids. I love Ralph (in that order). I love my wonderful friends. I love my job. I love the fact that I can afford a new car and other priviledges in life that some people are not so lucky to enjoy. I am blessed that I have healthy kids, a husband who doesn’t gamble all our money away or beat me, I love that my job isn’t too demanding and I have one of the best bosses EVER. I love that I make enough money to afford a new car and not make my kids starve in the process.

Things I DON’T love are the fact that it seems my name has a different meaning now. I feel like all I am is: Jodi the Mom. Jodi the Wife. Jodi the Employee. Jodi the Cancer Patient. Jodi the ADD Clinically Depressed Basket Case. Jodi the Adult Child of 2 People Who Have Issues. What ever happened to JUST JODI? I also don’t love that I can’t see/talk to/visit my friends as much as I want to…but a lot of us are in the same Mommy Boat (or Work Boat, or Relationship Boat) so I take comfort in knowing misery loves company.

I never realized how thankless, yet fulfilling this Mom/Wife thing could be. I am not TRULY complaining here (I have always been more bark than bite!), but I would give anything for a vacation right now, where I could curl up with a good book or brain-candy magazine, eat what I want when I want (and have it STILL be hot on the plate when I get to it!), sleep when I want for how long I want without someone waking me up wanting a drink of water or sex (of all things). Where I don’t have to wash anything, clean anything, cook anything, fix anything, feed anything 4-legged, or rush off to anywhere. My life used to be so leisurely-paced. And lately, after 10 years of this gig, I am missing it. And 10 years is a LOOONNGGG time for those of you not keeping track.

I feel like I am pulling myself out of the slump I was in. That’s a good thing. I have taken some of my disappointments and am trying to turn them around into motivation to try harder, work harder, do better and to make a better ME.

It gets discouraging sometimes. I feel like the only light in the tunnel is someone else looking to find THEIR way out. I seek within myself to find the things or develop the tools to learn and grow. And I bounce a lot of things off my friends. Just to gain perspective. And for them to be there to throw it back, I am truly grateful. You’ve helped me in more ways than I could ever describe here or any place else. THANK YOU. Thanks for bearing with me when I was a total downer. For giving me shoulders to soak through with tears. For jerking me up, [NFW] and smackin’ me around and bringing back to my senses (hey—we all make mistakes!) and making me realize the error of my ways. Your best friends lay the truth on you even when you are in serious denial and that ain’t what you’re diggin’ at the moment. If it weren’t for some of you, I might seriously be dead right now. And if you've ever done any of those things for me, I feel it's because you LOVED me enough to. You cared. Whether you want to admit it or not.

Just know that I am a good person. I do have a BIG heart of gold. I care about people and things and situations that don’t personally concern me (even if I am venting and it doesn't really seem that way). I try to see the good in people even when it seems there’s NOT A TRACE there. I am still the same base structure I was 13-17 years ago when you met me….I am just a lot wiser and smarter now. And a lot more tired than I used to be, but then again I am getting on in years and physical challenges. If you were me, you’d understand. I know you would.

Truly…STILL a work in progress.