Reasons There Should Be "NEW RULES".....

My buddy Kiwi e-mailed htis to me and I was laughing so hard, I felt the need to burden you all with it...but only here in Blog Land...not in your "IN BOX"---YOU'RE WELCOME!

New Rule: No more gift registries.

You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases from jail. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!

There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.

I have a better description for these kids: LUCKY BASTARDS.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay.

If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.

Here's how much men care about our eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, they're done - that's all they care about.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without
that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's your flavored water. (I tend to disagree about this one a bit because I loves me some VITAMIN WATER!)

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger
label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures
out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole.

If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're SUCH a HUGE A**HOLE! >:-O

New Rule: I'm not the cashier!

By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing
"Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.

It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time
you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport.

It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.

It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M.

If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two regular sized packs.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.

"He's 27 Months." ...."He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.